Twitter Pitch, take 2

Shy Miri finds the perfect way to win $ in a Bake Off for her budding business--don a disguise. Yep, perfect until her alter ego runs amuck

Whaddya think?

7 comments:

  1. Cool, I think! Where would we be without our masks to get us through sticky, uncomfortable situations?

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  2. I like this one better...sets up the story very well.

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  3. Awesome. I def get a better feel for the story now.

    My only complaint is that you use "perfect" twice. I'd change the second sentence to "Sounds good, until her alter ego runs amuck." Or maybe "Great plan, under her alter ego runs amuck." You get the idea.

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  4. I like this one too. You could maybe change the first 'perfect' to 'ideal'. Great revision! Good luck! :D

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  5. Oh, also, you might want to specify her budding business? Maybe say budding bakery or cake shop or something. It's fine as is, but it would be more descriptive. :D

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  6. I want to know WHY she has to wear a mask. What is the conflict?

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  7. Shy Miri finds the perfect way to win $ in a Bake Off for her budding business--don a disguise. Yep, perfect until her alter ego runs amuck

    Great job with the voice! Why she has to put on a disguise is a little confusing, though. Is she too shy to do it herself? You should definitely let us know the reason. I really like this pitch. I'm definitely hooked!

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