And the Mystery Guest Blogger Is...

...my older sister Ellen.


Some of you may remember her from her Reign of Ellen days.  Well, she's bringing back the blog, bigger and better than ever (but it's not ready for prime time yet).  Here's a little taste, though, and I'll keep you updated when it's live.  [spoiler alert:  I'm planning my first giveaway contest to celebrate her debut...or return, I guess.  And it's going to be legen-...wait for it]

The Worst Hair Trends of the Decade
By Mystery Guest Blogger Ellen

I will begin this essay with the admission that my qualifications to write on this particular subject are suspect, considering that my hair for the past decade has consisted of two "styles": short and brown... and longer and brown.  I guess I had bangs for awhile.  Bangs are a style, right?

I am also of the belief that the pinnacle of female hair beauty was achieved with the early '90's long, romantic curly hair of Julia Ormond (the chick from "Legends of the Fall"), Julia Louis-Dreyfus (Elaine from "Seinfeld") and Andie McDowell ("Groundhogs Day", "Four Weddings and A Funeral.")  I rocked that hair trend, and honestly haven't been impressed with much since the Rachel ruined everything we curly-haired had fought so hard to achieve. 

But perhaps those reasons make me the perfect person to review this decade.  I am unaffected by the many hair trends that attempt to pummel me everyday.  Chi hair straightener?  $50 Designer Pomade?  Ha!  I scoff at you.  Don't you know what a lazy stay-at-home-mother you are trying to entice?  You shall not have me.

This past decade (which I will hereafter refer to as This Past Decade, since this decade never really got a good name going... "the Zeros"?) has produced some unfortunate hair trends, all of which combined to culminate in the Ultimate Worst Hair Style of the Decade (but I am getting ahead of myself... I'll get to that rant soon enough.)  Without further ado, I present to you...

Bad Hair Trend #1:

The Skunk



Stripey, skunk hair coloring.  Often sported by sorority coeds, but eventually stretching into the desperately-trying-to-hold-on-to-their-hipness mom crowd.  Looks cool on one out of 3,000 women.  The other 2,999 look like their hairdresser got drunk at the proverbial foil wheel.






Bad Hair Trend #2:

Diiiiirty Hair





Christina used a bit of the skunk, but also added her own unwashed spin.  Thankfully, the mom crowd didn't seem to embrace the Skanky Skunk.



Bad Hair Trend #3:

Emo

By the time that the Emo trend hit about four years ago, cranky American youth had finally learned how to use their hair straightener without burning themselves, as well as how to get a good purple skunk going on their hair.  The thing about Emo hairstyles, though, is that, although they are definitely interesting to look at... they are unflattering to all heads, across the board.  Boys come out looking girlie instead of brooding (which, let's be honest, is the goal, correct?) and girls come out looking like boys.  Who look like girls.  But not in a good way. 

I know that emo is just the new grunge, but at least with grunge, we gals got to grow our hair out and wear baby doll dresses and Mary Jane Doc Martins.  These silly Emo kids.  Oh well.  They'll be happy little soccer moms with skunk hair before they know it.




Bad Hair Trend #3.5:

Christian Siriano





I actually think that Project Runway's Christian Siriano is a subgroup in the Emo category.   Now, don't get me wrong.  I loves me some Christian Siriano.  But I loves him despite his hair.   Christian has enough sass to relatively pull off this Emo-inspired weed-eater hair cut, but if anyone else tried it, they would look like a fierce hot tranny mess.  It's just an ugly hairdo. 



and finally... the hairdo which absorbed all of The Past Decade's hideous trends and plopped it all on one obnoxious, narcissistic head...

The Ultimate Bad Hair Trend of the Past Decade:


The Kate Gosselin

Oh my.  So so much badness going on here.  The skunk coloring.  Goo-covered spikes up the back.  Flattened bangs that wrap around half the head.  At least the traditional mullet simply combines two styles ("Business in the front, party in the back.")  The Kate had about seven ("Manipulative famemonger in front, abusive wife in the back, controlling nag thrown in on the sides"?)

The most frustrating thing was that the style just wouldn't go away.  Nearly everywhere I went, I was greeted by Kate copycat hair on poor unsuspecting women.  As I looked at them, I wanted to scream into the night, "Have I gone MAD?!  Don't any of these women realize how ridiculous they look?  How much money they are spending a month on upkeep and trims and goo?  Have they been brainwashed?!!" 

It's one thing to see funny little teenagers running around with their spiky Emo hipster mullets.  They are young and having fun and don't know any better.  But the Kate is an entirely different monster.   Women are ASKING to have their hair look like this, and it will take years to grow it out.  They are going to be spending their children's college funds to keep up with this hair disaster, just so they can look like Kate Gosselin at P.T.A. committees and consignment sales. 

I implore all of you... as This Past Decade draws to a close... say no to the Kate Gosselin.  Let The Next Decade ("The Teens?") be a return to hair sanity. 

Bring back the Elaine.



[-dary.]




7 comments:

  1. I love this post! We sure do have a lot of young guys around us with strange hair styles... chop it and comb it... please lets have some fun with lovely hair this next decade.

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  2. LOL :)

    I shaved my head... what does that say about me? And I actually like it really, well, shaved :)

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  3. *clapping my hands*

    Marvelous, just marvelous all around.

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  4. I have a friend who calls the Kate Gosselin a reverse mullet.

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  5. lol! I saw one TV personality say Kate's hair looked like a hedgehog lived in the back.

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  6. Reverse mullet...I like that. But it's like a business that no one's heard of and a party that no one wants to attend.

    Although, I should clarify that I'm in no position to judge others' hair choices. I go in to my stylist and say, "Just do what you want with it."

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